Im starting an outpatient drug treatment program on Monday. Mostly because court but Im also looking forward to learning new sober life skills.
I don’t know if I’m 100% completely done with the methamphetamines, but I do plan to stay nice + sober for the three weeks of the treatment. I don’t know if I’m totally done because I have no social support in my life right now and I really don’t know why I would even stay sober if I have nothing in my life, no friends, no work, no hobbies or interests, no place to live… I got nothing but methamphetamines in my life right now.
Its kinda weird that nobody seems to think that its not right that I have nobody in my life who would be able to offer me genuine emotional + psychological support.
When I initially met them all I was told that they were all smoking meth. Then as the time went on they all started to quit, but I did not. I think they were all quitting in front of me to get me to join in and quit with them. Nobody (as far as I can remember) ever said to me, straight up, “yo girl, you need to quit smoking meth and we should quit together.”
I guess, the longer I refused to quit, the meaner + angrier their tactics got… however the increasing anger and sometimes even violence of their tactics has NOT made or helped me quit meth (like, to this day, it still has not…). Since I would not quit the meth, they felt justified to use really mean tactics, but the only thing that the mean tactics have accomplished was me shooting up my meth instead of just smoking it. Those meaner and angrier tactics lead me to experience a lot of emotional + psychological pain and I would even go so far as to say that it was psychological abuse. I don’t think I should be punished for doing something that I didn’t even understand I was not supposed to do anymore.
Since I did not quit the meth, they have felt entitled to mistreat, scare and emotionally abuse me anytime any day. While they all are allowed to abuse me whenever for whatever reason, but Im not even allowed to talk about my anxiety issues and PTSD. Well, I am allowed to bring it up but my anxiety + PTSD are not perceived as “real problems.” Yesterday we were talking about my anxiety and PTSD and I was told that I, “should just stop feeling anxious in social situations” and that I should just think about my trauma in a more positive and non-traumatic way. I am not even sure those were serious suggestions…
I don’t know who those guys from the Heyworth House really were, but I don’t think they were cops… But who the fuck are they if they aren’t cops? Will I ever know the truth?
What I do know: (1) they all stayed at the homeless shelter, pretending to be homeless or needy or mentally ill; (2) they all pretended to want to be friends with me but it was 100% fake because I now know that they had ulterior motives in getting close to me; (3) none of them care or ever cared about me beyond their “assignment;” (4) they used my need for social connection + love to get close to me and then used those same things against me; (5) they act like I deserve to be punished just because I do drugs, they still view drug addiction as a “moral failing” or a “lack of self discipline;” (6) they all treat me as tho I am some object and not a human being + there is no respect + there is a real difference between how they communicate between themselves and how they communicate with me.
I’m also pretty sure that all of those Toronto homeless shelters are 95% occupied by people who are not really homeless people. I don’t know why those people stay at the homeless shelter when they are not homeless, but it seems to me like they live there as part of some sort of a scam involving the government social spending cash.
Interestingly, while all those different non-homeless folks stay at the homeless shelter they seem to be given the duty to know all the newbies, especially if the newbies are the real homeless. The worst part is that all of the non-homeless pretended as tho they do NOT know each other from before and so they use their massive group size advantage to fuck with the real homeless person, who is at the shelter because they need help, but all they get is their mind fucked with.
I hate that they made me feel guilty or like I did something wrong + that I deserve to be verbally abused + emotionally instigated especially when I did absolutely nothing wrong.
Today I realized that the only reason small-time drug users + small-time drug dealers are criminalized is because the US government decided to start fighting the war on drugs in the 1970s and since then they have forced almost the entire international community into fighting the drug war with them.
The US government has been spending around $52 billion/annually to fight the drug war in the recent decades. The government is obviously not spending that much money to make regular people’s lives better. In fact, while the government may claim to have had started the drug war to save the people from the evils of drugs, the regular people are not the ones who are benefiting from the drug war. The drug war primarily benefits two groups within our society, the first group is the organized crime element involved in the illegal drug trafficking and the second one is the justice system namely the employees of the courts and the prison system.
Any-who, regardless of all the government corruption + cronyism, Im still kinda excited about the “drug treatment” program, but Im not so sure that Im done with meth yet…