Drug treatment…

Im starting an outpatient drug treatment program on Monday. Mostly because court but Im also looking forward to learning new sober life skills.

I don’t know if I’m 100% completely done with the methamphetamines, but I do plan to stay nice + sober for the three weeks of the treatment. I don’t know if I’m totally done because I have no social support in my life right now and I really don’t know why I would even stay sober if I have nothing in my life, no friends, no work, no hobbies or interests, no place to live… I got nothing but methamphetamines in my life right now.

Its kinda weird that nobody seems to think that its not right that I have nobody in my life who would be able to offer me genuine emotional + psychological support.

When I initially met them all I was told that they were all smoking meth. Then as the time went on they all started to quit, but I did not. I think they were all quitting in front of me to get me to join in and quit with them. Nobody (as far as I can remember) ever said to me, straight up, “yo girl, you need to quit smoking meth and we should quit together.”

I guess, the longer I refused to quit, the meaner + angrier their tactics got… however the increasing anger and sometimes even violence of their tactics has NOT made or helped me quit meth (like, to this day, it still has not…). Since I would not quit the meth, they felt justified to use really mean tactics, but the only thing that the mean tactics have accomplished was me shooting up my meth instead of just smoking it. Those meaner and angrier tactics lead me to experience a lot of emotional + psychological pain and I would even go so far as to say that it was psychological abuse. I don’t think I should be punished for doing something that I didn’t even understand I was not supposed to do anymore.

Since I did not quit the meth, they have felt entitled to mistreat, scare and emotionally abuse me anytime any day. While they all are allowed to abuse me whenever for whatever reason, but Im not even allowed to talk about my anxiety issues and PTSD. Well, I am allowed to bring it up but my anxiety + PTSD are not perceived as “real problems.” Yesterday we were talking about my anxiety and PTSD and I was told that I, “should just stop feeling anxious in social situations” and that I should just think about my trauma in a more positive and non-traumatic way. I am not even sure those were serious suggestions…

I don’t know who those guys from the Heyworth House really were, but I don’t think they were cops… But who the fuck are they if they aren’t cops? Will I ever know the truth?

What I do know: (1) they all stayed at the homeless shelter, pretending to be homeless or needy or mentally ill; (2) they all pretended to want to be friends with me but it was 100% fake because I now know that they had ulterior motives in getting close to me; (3) none of them care or ever cared about me beyond their “assignment;” (4) they used my need for social connection + love to get close to me and then used those same things against me; (5) they act like I deserve to be punished just because I do drugs, they still view drug addiction as a “moral failing” or a “lack of self discipline;” (6) they all treat me as tho I am some object and not a human being + there is no respect + there is a real difference between how they communicate between themselves and how they communicate with me.

I’m also pretty sure that all of those Toronto homeless shelters are 95% occupied by people who are not really homeless people. I don’t know why those people stay at the homeless shelter when they are not homeless, but it seems to me like they live there as part of some sort of a scam involving the government social spending cash.

Interestingly, while all those different non-homeless folks stay at the homeless shelter they seem to be given the duty to know all the newbies, especially if the newbies are the real homeless. The worst part is that all of the non-homeless pretended as tho they do NOT know each other from before and so they use their massive group size advantage to fuck with the real homeless person, who is at the shelter because they need help, but all they get is their mind fucked with.

I hate that they made me feel guilty or like I did something wrong + that I deserve to be verbally abused + emotionally instigated especially when I did absolutely nothing wrong.

Today I realized that the only reason small-time drug users + small-time drug dealers are criminalized is because the US government decided to start fighting the war on drugs in the 1970s and since then they have forced almost the entire international community into fighting the drug war with them.

The US government has been spending around $52 billion/annually to fight the drug war in the recent decades. The government is obviously not spending that much money to make regular people’s lives better. In fact, while the government may claim to have had started the drug war to save the people from the evils of drugs, the regular people are not the ones who are benefiting from the drug war. The drug war primarily benefits two groups within our society, the first group is the organized crime element involved in the illegal drug trafficking and the second one is the justice system namely the employees of the courts and the prison system.

Any-who, regardless of all the government corruption + cronyism, Im still kinda excited about the “drug treatment” program, but Im not so sure that Im done with meth yet…

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All by myself… today

I will never be on their team. They are the fisherman to my fish and a fish (aka me) will never become a fisherman (aka them).

They wanted me to feel like I was almost kinda part of their team but it was not real. I will never be on their team because without me and other victim or two they wouldn’t even have to exist.

Yesterday they showed me what they think about me with this guy on the bus. He was wearing leggings that were not put on properly, he was loud + obnoxious and red neck like, they also made fun of the fact that I like to shop at Value Village.

I know my life is much better without Barry and his mindless drumming but I still cannot help but to miss him a little bit. They are really good at picking on people’s weaknesses + then striking at them really hard to like try + destroy the person.

I am a person who has severe social anxiety, so severe in fact that I need to smoke crystal meth to allow me to have normal social interactions. They took a bunch of people, made them befriend me and then had them stab me in the back + face. They took the next group of people and they made them tell me that they were “in love” with me and none of them were, they were just “working me” while trying to drive me insane.

They wanted me to stay with Chad because he seems to be the one who likes to fuck all the dirty crack + meth hoes in that area. Barry and Myles are too clean to fuck shelter sluts, so they give them all to Chad to use for a bit.

Not only are they mean to me from all sides, they will also never see me as their equal. The number one thing they value above all else is fucking money. If a person has no money then they are seen as being absolutely nothing, a non-person person who does not have rights or human freedoms are viewed as a “baby” for the Canadian government’s corrupt nanny state. Without a “baby” you would not need the nanny.

According to the ones who are supposed to be helping, “some people are specifically born to be in the government system their whole life.” If a crack ho has a baby, for example, that baby is one of the ones who will stay in the system forever and none of them see this as a problematic issue, conversely, they are happy to get a new, life-long “client.”

The ones who directly interact with “clients” are of sociopathic or psychopathic persuasion, as no normal person would be able to view “clients” of the state as non-human entities. The cold + calculating manner in which “clients” get treated is really subhuman way to treat anybody.

“Clients” of the state are seen as children who are unable to take care of themselves and who are not even able to understand what is best for them. Their inability to take care of themselves + ending up in the care of the state is seen as a fault, requiring punishment and the ability of the “client” to re-enter the society is hindered, so they can stay in the care of the state as long as possible.

The “client” is seen as fare game for mind + psychological games of the “helpers”. They try to persuade them that they are mentally ill, they try to start fights + then blame them on the client + even recommend to the “client” what to say to the psychiatrist, “in order to get the most money” in-fact they are only trying to get the “client” diagnosed with a mental health illness. The helpers will constantly use emotions to upset “clients” and continually remind the “client” that they are delusional and paranoid and they also love trying to fuck with people’s memories.

I cannot believe how much difference having company makes, its kinda shocking + considering I spent most of my life without company, I really am not enjoying this lonely life of misery + paranoia.

And all of those times he let me stay with him was just so he could finish off his ‘shift,’ I understand that it is not my fault that he doesn’t care + I shouldn’t take it personally, that’s just the way he is, but like it still hurts… and nobody gives a fuck about me, even the ones who are able to feel feelings, still they don’t care either… as far as I understand, they used Barry to stop me from seeing Myles + once Myles was out of the picture, Barry felt as tho his job was done, but he had to stay for so many more months…

He told Julio how “nice it was to have me live with him” and “how it is nice to always have company + somebody to talk to” because Julio is not allowed to have guests or something, so Barry was not saying it to tell him how much he likes to have me around but to make Julio feel badly about being alone and not having anyone to talk to. And even Sandra was talking shit about Julio, saying how he was all high at Bikini Manila and shit. They only hung out with him until they could get his car and as soon as they got it, they left him all alone.

I regret not stopping smoking earlier, these drugs that I currently get are not even the real ones, plus even Chad has quit and that means that they are all quitting or have quit. I guess I could quit for a little while, if not longer, but while I complete the diversion I could + should stay sober.

Why didn’t he sleep during the last two nights? Was is it because he knew he was leaving and he was really excited to leave because he was saying something about being bored. I did not think that he would leave as quickly and as quietly as he did. He said he would say “bye” when he decided to leave but he didn’t even mention that he was not coming back… I guess its pretty cool not to have human feelings.

UPDATE It turns out that I was wrong about Barry not coming back home because he did come back but I don’t know how I feel about everything. May be I should stop blogging when Im super high and shit…

I think its over

I think its over + I dont think Barry is coming back here. His departure is a little surprising but its better this way…

I now understand that I have a strong need to feel loved by people around me because I was never loved by my own parents. So, thru out my adult life I’ve been wrongly expecting people around me to love me unconditionally, as tho they were my parents. I expected + asked for much more than anyone was willing to give and their inability to love me unconditionally made me instantly dislike them + and lush out at them. Even tho it still hurts to think about the love I did not receive as a child from my parents, I should not seek parental love from random strangers.

I need to make peace with the fact that I was never loved unconditionally by my folks and its highly unlikely that they will just start loving me in the future.

Barry said I should revenge my mother’s indifference towards me by becoming successful. But I don’t even know what ‘successful’ means to me… Also, if they actually cared/wanted me to become successful then why did they make sure to leave me so broken down?

I was thinking back on the whole experience and the coldness that characterized all of my interactions with them really stands out now. They seemed to all despise + hate me, while pretending to be my friends, so I could not know what they were up to. Cory + Frank treated me differently from the rest of them.

To get better + to flourish, I needed to be supported and encouraged and shown love but they did the opposite. I just want to be a nobody again. I rather be on my own than being continually traumatized by all of them, day in and day out. I am a little lonely tho…

I was really mean to Barry and Im sure they got back at me like a thousand times over. And I cannot do shit to stop it or to prevent it. I must accept the full effects of this 100% ditch and I must do it quietly, too. May be this will teach me how to be nice + respectful towards everybody and how not to treat people like crap + disrespect them.

When I got to the shelter I barely had any social skills. When I got mad at anyone over anything, I used to always go on these messaging tirades, just like my mother, where I would swear and “yell” at people, calling them all sorts of names for like 20-30 messages at a time. I did not understand how rude and how pathetic all of that was… I feel deeply ashamed of my behaviour…

I cannot live alone forever and eventually I hope to start meeting new people and my whole shelly experience should enable me to be able to communicate more effectively + more politely with everyone.

It sounds like they are all leaving and he acted as tho he was not coming back again and I think Im better off without them. Im used to being on my own and Im sure I will get back into the “lonely life groove” right away and it should not be that bad, I don’t think… at least its a change-up and looks as tho I will have more independence. Barry was not living with me because he really cared about me, he lived with me to do his work. All in all, Barry + I are very different people and we are not meant to live together + thats ok.

I regret how much I mistreated people who were important for me. I started mistreating people in high school and I was still mistreating Barry while living with him all of this time. Also, I tend to only mistreat those who are nice, kind and generous towards me meanwhile those who treated me like garbage, I worship those people. What in the fuck is wrong with me and wtf is wrong with my brain?

I already miss Barry but I understand that he could not stay with me forever. However, I am still very thankful to him for all the help + advice he had for me. He made it possible for me to change my life and possibly lead a much better one if I decide to put in the effort and make the necessary changes.

Furthermore, recently I realized that the only reason I stayed with all of them guys was because I didn’t want to be alone. I thought I minded the abuse, but now I understand that I did not. Im too clingy + too socially awkward to ever find another friend… I know I need to be around people, but at the same time I don’t think I can be around people ever again.

All of this time I pretended like I did not want to be around them but I was totally lying, mostly to myself, I think. I could not be honest about my feelings because I didn’t believe myself to be worthy or good enough to be loved. I stayed away from them for so long because I did not want to get hurt and rejected and that is exactly what happened + four times over. One after another after another after another.

They don’t even care, probably thinking I deserve all of this… and, I don’t know… may be I do deserve it… but everything I did was not a result of evil or bad motives, I did the things I did because my life was going nowhere fast, had major social anxiety, fear of rejection and only the best intentions/motivations…

Barry is definitely not coming back because he left his keys here, at the apartment. I could see that he was really unhappy here with me but I ignored his unhappiness because I chose to think that it could have been fake. I don’t know where he went… I miss being with a human who might not even be a fully human human… Obviously, they never wanted me in their club and I still don’t even know what club were they all in?